Another year, another Christmas party...thanks to our groovy friends and neighbors. God love 'em. Ready for the recap? Here we go!
We have Kevin and Tiff (the 'Fro Friends), Tom Who Wouldn't Wear His 'Fro, and Steve Austin, who is exuding more of a rapper vibe. Yo, G, you're in the wrong era, dude.
Meanwhile, my word of the day was shiny: shiny blouse, shiny hair, shiny forehead. Good thing Tiff's wearing shades...this blouse could give the sun a run for its money.
Katie was equally shiny in her 100% authentic disco-era dress. Meanwhile, Rod was easing on down the "Paper Chase" road. Tom, not to be confused with Tom, was wearing an awesome purple velour jacket that had a big kickass dragon on the back. Tragically, I didn't capture that in photos. Speaking of photos...the Westerkamps arrived!
Here is Tom, not to be confused with Tom. Or Tom. Whoa man, I'm totally trippin'. I need a minute to figure this all out...
Where was I? Oh yeah, the Westerkamps arrived. Pimp Daddy Tom took a moment to collect his thoughts.
"Oh Mighty Disco Gods, please give me the strength and the stamina to let my funkadelic 'fro rock like no other. Please make this night totally righteous. And give me the cojones to talk to that stone-cold fox in the background. Amen."
"Oh look, Jay, my lame-o-meter just buzzed. Some jive turkey wants to talk to me. Bummer."
"Chill, Kendra. I'm solid with The Man. I'll confab with him."
"Yo, Chris.What it is. Some fool is hittin' on my hot mama."
"Did someone say, 'hot mama'?! Ewww, Chris, you're all sweaty!"
"Thanks, Mom! Dig my leather pants?"
"Oh God, Chris. I can't look."
"Normally I charge $5 a feel, but for you, I'll let it slide. Solid."
Meanwhile, back at the bar, the Black Panthers arrived. Power to the people!
What does Julie have in her hand? Oh, gentle reader, she is holding this:
This little demon is called a mini-beer. Sure it looks innocent enough, but even a tiny insect can fell the mighty oak. We can all thank Dede for letting this gremlin loose in the Pub. It's Licor 43 topped with heavy whipping cream. Looks like a cute little beer and tastes like a vanilla shake. In other words, lethal.
Speaking of Dede, let's check in with Rob, shall we?
He's checking his phone. Okay. Then he wandered inside to check his phone...
Dede: "Seriously, Rob. Are you going to look at that thing all night?"
Rob: (silence...with occasional soft tapping on the phone.)
Julie: "MINI BEERS RULE! WOOOOO!"
Then he moseyed back out to the Fort...
"Uh Rob, can you please do us a solid and get your freaky chrome dome out of the 'Fro Family Foto, man? It's harshin' our buzz."
Here's a fun game for the kids...who's 'fro is a real 'fro, fo' real, yo?
1972...2012...Dede's style is truly timeless. You go, sexy lady!
Oh look, we chased Rob inside. He looks...
ROB! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOOKING AT??? LOOK UP, DUDE! YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DISCO PARTY!
Sidebar: This reminds me of the Best. Christmas card. Ever...
The mom in this shot totally reminds me of Patti.
Hey Patti, how are you doin'?
Since Patti is away, No 'Fro Tom holds her close to his heart. Awwww...that photo is so sweet....except for the fact that Tom ISN'T WEARING HIS 'FRO.
"Hey Dede, can you believe that No 'Fro Tom won't wear his 'fro? What a jive turkey."
"Shut up, poseur."
"Hey guys, I've got a line of shots ready here that are kinda sweet. Who'd like me to cut them with some salty, sweaty belly hair?"
"I'll have one."
"Dede and I will have one."
"Uh, Kevin, you don't drink shots. You're arm has been stuck in that position all night. See?"
"Aw, man. I was just airing out my pits. Busted."
Little did Kendra know that the Pit Police was RIGHT BEHIND HER.
The Pit Police was also closing in on Laura.
MB: "Ha! Laura's SO busted."
Kevin: "Right on, MB. Laura totally took the heat of the fuzz off of me. Now if I could only get this fuzz off my head. No wonder my pits are soggy. Feel 'em?"
MB: "Ugh. I'd step away, you grody, stanky hippie, but my entire left side is soaked like Fat Albert took a massive leak on me."
Kevin: "Hey hey hey!"
New Katie: "Gawd, we look fabulous, don't we, Susie"?
Susie: "I don't know, Katie. Between us girls, your hairstyle is a little much."
Tom: "Hey Tom, where's Tom?"
Tom: "Pfft. It's not my day to watch, Tom, Tom. Let's drink first and then we'll look for Tom."
Tom: "Tom who?"
Now later on...after some liquid lubrication (read: mini-beers), some disco patrons were bound to get down. Waaaay down. Bad Bad Leroy Brown Down. So down that even the paparazzi from Laugh-In was engaged.
Now, I've been reminded quite often and from various outlets that Hickspub.com is a family site. So I can't show you any specific photos of what happened per se, but I can post general images from which you may paint your own picture.
And if you don't get these references, trust me, you're the better person for it.
By the end of the evening, the only survivors were...
Miss Patti and our new Pet Rock, Elton.
Best. Theme. Ever. Everyone embraced the redneck idea like a hillbilly hugging on his wife/sister....
We were so happy to see Uncle Ray, Aunt Lana and Michael come for the party. They were worthy representatives of the Hicks side of the family.
There's Aunt Lana in the red sweater. It looks like Uncle Ray is aiming up to pick her nose while Miss Toni looks on. Easy now, Uncle Ray, snacks are in the Grub Room. Speaking of which...
...new to the Hicks' Pub: The Grub Room. A breathtaking room walled off by blue tarp, resplendent with images of The Rock and Jesus arm-wrestling the Devil. In a word: perfection.
The Mothers of Woodwick were on hand to make sure the children didn't get out of line. Yeah, right. Good luck with that, ladies. Let's see how that works out for you.
Sweet Mike also here to keep his and Toni's Hicks' Pub perfect party participation record pristine.
Grandpa Frank raises a bottle in celebration of his knocked-up daughter, Patti. (Sniff) So precious.
Well hey, if it isn't Keith Stone! Dude, we were hoping you'd drop by! We have a couple cases of 24 ounce cans of Keystone to get the night rolling. You, my Friend, are a guest of honor.
We had several games set up in the Beer Fort for patrons to enjoy. Here is "Pin the Teeth on the Ho," a backwoods version of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey." The Walmart Christmas panties hanging off the sides are the blindfolds for the game. You can also glimpse the floodlights which illuminated the Shootin' Range. We had beer cans and CDs set up in the woods for folks to shoot with BB and Airsoft guns. Nothin' says party like 24 ouncers and guns.
There's my girls! It seems like only last year they were the prim and proper guests...
...oh how far they've slid. Way to go! Yay, regress!
There's Mr. Westerkamp, rockin' his summer teeth and mullet. Don't worry, ladies, there's lots of him to feast your eyes on. Just you wait and see.
Welcome Wolframs, bungee cord suspenders and all. There was much discussion of whether Laura went out and bought the gardered Christmas stockings or if she already had those in her unmentionables drawer. I know where my money lies.
We won't go into details of what happened in the Grub Room, but...
...clearly they were pleased with their success.
Ahh, the Roses. Let's reflect on their year here...
...this summer...their decline was steady indeed.
"Hey, Keith Stone, lookit how cute we are!"
Not to be out-cuted, the Wolframs stepped up to the plate. Note to self: set up a photo booth for next year. That will be awesome.
If I didn't know any better, their matching expressions suggest they're kin.
Hellooooo High Life! Welcome to the party, pal!
There's his wife. Ain't she the adorable multi-tasker, what with her smokin' and breast-feedin' and all? We'll visit with her baby later.
Well, if it isn't the Louiso Boys? If that isn't a photo full of ornery, I don't know what is.
Look at that expression! OR-NER-Y.
Ornery has an attitude, too. He kindly provided us with a 1-800 number to call if we had a problem with him.
I don't know what Tiff is up to, but it's safe to say that it's no good.
Remember Mrs. High Life's baby? Well, she may be small, but she can hold her own...
The debate on how to properly pose the baby was intense. Creative ideas were exchanged and many poses were tested.
Ultimately, everyone was pleased with the results.
Keith Stone was on-hand to capture the moment. He too, approved.
Meanwhile, out in the Beer Fort, folks were having a good time too.
Raise a glass if yer a redneck.
What did I learn from the evening? That wearing an exposed G-string is a profitable venture.
And it makes for interesting conversation when the po-po show up.
And once they left, it was back to our regular programming.
Let's take a moment to assess the party thus far: Roses politely chatting amongst themselves? Check. Miss Susie looking cool in her Norwood letter jacket? Check. Hicks imitating a Frankenstein chipmunk fumbling a drink? Check. Baby on the bar still posing with the bottles? Check. All is well.
Then Tiny Tim arrived. Don't let that shit-eating grin fool you. He's a bad influence.
He throws down a beer bong with his lovely wife and partner-in-crime, Ali.
He molests his wife on the stairs. I'm telling you, the boy's trouble.
He does shots with Hicks.
And then the lickin' started......and it went on...
Whick led to dancin'...and more dancin'...
...and more dancin'. Rock on, sassy sister. Shake it for the boys.
Meanwhile, the group grope begins!
"Hey look! I laughed so hard, this beer nut shot right out of my nose! Want it?"
"Whachoo lookin' at, Lennertz?"
"Wait. Is it possible? Can it be...?"
"Hallelujah! Saint Jon has arrived with the gift of Taco Bell! It's a Christmas miracle!" And lo, the mother with child did partake of the blessed taco.
And peace, love and joy filled the Pub.
Throughout the evening, Keith Stone continued to work his magic with the ladies.
The promise of reasonably-priced beer was simply too much for the ladies to resist.
Even men are defenseless against the wiles of the great Keith Stone.
"I love you, Keith Stone. I love yer hair, too. Can I have it?"
"Keith Stone. You rock."
The following blurry photos, while not in any story form, are worth sharing because they do capture the spirit of the evening. Enjoy.
Honestly, I think this is my favorite shot of the whole evening.
Thanks to everyone who made this evening memorable!