Nelson's Biscuits
of Wisdom:

"If you like Adam Lambert,
hop over to the blog
and join the Club."

Upcoming Events

TIFF’S NIGHT
(formerly Ladies' Night)
Wednesday, August 5 @ 8:00.

Remember, civil defense sirens = drinking night.

Photos of the Week

Nature right outside our front window. This little guy hung out there for hours.

Because everyone loves Jell-O...

So, I've discovered another latent talent which has proven extremely popular: Jell-O Shot maker. As promised, here are the recipes that I've been using:

Margarita Jell-O Shot

3 oz. package lime Jell-O
8 oz. (1 cup) boiling water
4 oz. tequila
4 oz. sweet and sour or Margarita mix
Substitute watermelon Jell-O for lime for a melon margarita.

Strawberry Daiquiri Jell-O Shot

3 oz. package wild strawberry Jell-O
8 oz. (1 cup) Boiling water
6 oz. white rum
1 oz. sweet and sour or Margarita mix

Fuzzy Navel Jell-O Shot

3 oz. package orange Jell-O
8 oz. (1 cup) boiling water
2 oz. vodka
6 oz. peach schnapps

You can find more recipes from this site. A wonderful, dedicated group of people really stepped up to help mankind with their hard work. Cheers!

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Check out our new favourite show.

We'll admit it. We here at Hicks' Pub are a tad bit anal when it comes to keeping the house tidy. So, one day I was channel-surfing and I came across this gem on the BBC, "How Clean Is Your House?" A ornery Brit, Kim Woodburn (the mountain of a woman pictured in red) and her wee sidekick Scot, Aggie MacKenzie, go into the most godawful homes and yes, clean them up. We're talking homes in which mountains of rubbish are piled EVERYWHERE; insects and rodents abound; and mold, mildew (and most time fecal material–euwwww) can be found in every crevice in the house. These are truly heinous living conditions, which is indicated by the horror-movie music playing as the camera pans around various rooms. These women walk around (or rather, climb around) the home and evaluate the state of disorder (their banter is hysterical). They then bring in the offending occupents and give them a veritable verbal spanking, like mothers berating lazy teenagers. Aggie, a geeky scientist at heart, takes swab samples from assorted areas around the home and "sends them to the Lab." When the petri dishes teeming with staph, e-coli, and other deathly diseases are returned, she frankly tells the slovenly folks, "If you don't clean this sty, you will DIE."

Now, it is time to clean. And this is really the best part. See, these women are old school when it comes to cleaning. They have THE best tips and tricks, using regular household products, to transform the nastiest filth to–not just clean–but GLEAMING. All they need is washing up soap (dishwashing liquid to us Yanks), white vinegar, lemon juice, cola, newspaper and Worchestershire sauce to conquer the world. It's smashing, really. We get to watch as Kim and Aggie train the slobs how to clean their house, and herein lies their wisdom.

Here are a few of their tips:

• To loosen burnt food from the bottom of a pan, just pour little cola (enough to cover the bottom/burnt part and heat on the stove to a boil. It’ll pull the burn right up. It may require two treatments in order to get the pan perfectly clean.

• To get grime out of the microwave put a bowl with 2/3 water, 1/3 white vinegar and heat on high for 5 minutes. Remove bowl and wipe out the inside of the microwave immediately.

• To clean shower doors, pour lemon juice onto cloth and wipe directly onto door. Then spray with warm water and wipe off with crumpled up newspaper.

• To clean showerheads/scaley faucets: pour white vinegar into a ziploc bag. Then put over showerhead, so that the mineral deposits are submerged in the vinegar. Secure tightly with tape and let sit several hours/overnight. Remove baggie and rinse showerhead off with water.

• To clear a drain: pour directly into drain (in this order) 1/2 cup of baking soda, 1/2 cup of salt, then 1/4 cup of white vinegar - this creates a fizzy chemical reaction. Put a kettle of water on the stove to boil. Once the water is boiling, pour into the drain and it will open up straight away.

• To shine dark leather shoes, wipe with the inside of a banana peel. Works only for brown, black or red shoes.

• To clean real wood floors (not laminate), get warm water (not hot, not cold...because those temperatures make the wood expand or contract) and mix in a little biological soap (power laundry detergent). Also, sprinkle a bit of the biological soap straight on the floor. Take a bristle brush (not too firm), dip into the soapy water and scrub with the grain. Then take a clean cloth, dipped in regular water and wrung out, and wipe to pick up the dirt.

Most of the homes they visit are in the UK and are literally hundreds of years old...think real wood floors, antique sinks and fixtures and ancient windows...which, in most cases, haven't been cleaned in years (if not decades). After these ladies (and their cleaning crew) are done, the places absolutely sparkle. The ladies make the owners promise that they'll keep the place tidy, and then do an inspection two weeks later. Most owners take the cleaning to heart and maintain the shiny status-quo, which is very rewarding. Others *sigh* clearly didn't get the message and are well on their path back to ruin...which I cannot, for the life of me, understand.

Meanwhile, I've run to the store and stocked up on white vinegar, baking soda and lemon juice and am using the tricks everywhere. It almost makes me wish I had let it get into a slovenly state. Almost.

So check the show out if you get the BBC. It's quite brilliant.

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The Blog is back.

Well, it never really went anywhere. But it does tend to get neglected most of the year (11 months of the year, to be exact). There have been a couple of recent postings, a veritable rash of postings considering the atrophied state of it. So, this is a gentle nudge to check over there occassionally, because we do commit postings every once in a while. A great while.

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Thanks for a great party!

Although the pictures are few (okay, one), a good time was had by all who attended. Thanks to everyone who came over and shared a great evening with us. Below is a photo of us doing the Hawaii 5-0. It's always great when you can get a group of full-grown people to plop down on the ground and row in unison. But before you balk about the lack of photographic evidence, may I direct your attention to the video below that was, without a doubt, the highlight of the evening: Tiffany busting out her best Michael Jackson for us. God love her.

Another fine moment of the evening was the Re-Gift Exchange, in which the gift de résistance was the Looney Tunes Christmas tree skirt. Nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus more eloquently than Tweety Bird, Yosemite Sam and the Tazmanian Devil on black (black!) fleece. That's right, Warner Brothers didn't even bust out their animated A-Listers for this yuletide turd.

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Best. Pretzels. Ever.

2 1 lb. bags of pretzel sticks
1 bottle of Orville Redenbacher's Butter Popping Oil
1 packet of dry ranch dressing
2T Lemon Pepper (Mrs. Dash...it really DOES makes a difference)

Whisk the non-pretzel ingredients together and then pour them over the pretzels. Mix well.

Let it sit for 10 minutes. Mix well again. Let sit for 5 minutes. Mix. Another 5. Mix.

Then transfer the pretzels into large ziploc bags, and leave the tops open for 2 hours. Then put them into new ziploc bags (leaving the oil behind). Seal the bag and you're good to go!

You can easily do half batches, but I prefer to make a bag for myself and one to give away. Also, the pretzels are best after 2 days. By that time all of the oil is absorbed into the pretzels.

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Crazy Aunt Karen and BJ go to the Big Brother set!

Back in August, Crazy Aunt Karen, on a total spontaneous whim, managed to grab a handful of VIP tickets to Big Brother. As her loyal sidekick (and thanks to an extremely understanding Hicks, who gave me a transcontinental hall pass), I offered to be her travel companion and driver. Through divine grace, we managed to find cheap airline tickets (out of Louisville, because CVG can't suck enough when it comes to airfare price-gouging) and headed off to Burbank the morning of the show. So, with a 7:30 a.m. flight out of Louisville, you can do the math and realize that we started our adventure at 3:00 a.m.

We must've been living right, because our trip out could not have been smoother (good thing, because we were on an impossibly tight schedule). In addition, we had to coordinate plans with a host of our MidseasonReplacement/TVgasm friends out there. Three of them accompanied us to the show (Dee [honeybunny], Ronnie [Flipit], and Denise [Bauer’s Sweetheart]). We met honeybunny and Bauer's for lunch and then met Flipit at the CBS lot...again, smooth as silk.

Once we arrived at the appropriate location for Big Brother, we had to get our mug shots taken (seriously), sign waiver forms, and then answer a questionnaire (asking about ourselves and which contestant we liked, etc.). Then we were stationed in a holding area with the rest of the studio audience (with a security guard who had MAJOR wedgie issues...honestly, there could have been a cat or a young child stuck up in there - trust me, it was heinous). When it was time to go to the set, we were put into the special VIP line (again, thanks to Crazy Aunt Karen, who contacted CBS and asked them to make sure that we would get in, since we were coming all the way from Cincinnati just for this show). We were herded back to the lot where Big Brother is filmed, past writer bungalows and the set to CSI: NY (nice!). Then, in line (outside in the blazing sun), studio minions began the process of picking out the "pretty people." They said they were picking people according to their clothes. Whatever. We knew the score. As the camera-friendly folks paraded past us, we called upon our own hottie, Bauer’s, to put on her bright blue sweater and voila! We were called in instantly, rescuing us from the seering sun and thrusting us into the cool comfort of the air-conditioned studio.

Once inside, to our horror, we were split up. Bauer's (again, easy on the eye) was called to sit in a coveted aisle seat. I was standing right next to her when she was called and, in her wake, was asked to sit next to her. Crazy Aunt Karen, honeybunny and Flipit grabbed the seats in the back which actually clocked in the most camera time on the show. Suh-weet! In hindsight, it was probably a good thing, because our communication was limited to mouthing foul language, facial expressions and eye-rolls. Otherwise, we could have been booted for too much chatting and laughter.

Eric, the very engaging stage director, gave us the rules and regs of the show (no moving, all eyes on Julie - don't look at the camera, whatever you do, clap when directed). He chatted with the audience and dished a little about the houseguests, which was very entertaining and put everyone at ease. Then, the Chenbot emerged, with her entourage of makeup, hair and wardrobe people who were preening over her non-stop. Let me say that she is absolutely stunning (of course with makeup and hair people hanging off of her like remora, it kind of stands to reason). She has the shiniest. hair. ever. And the cutest figure (oh yeah, she's got the perfect amount of junk in her trunk). And the bling? OMG, she had a watch on that probably cost more than our house. It had about a million diamonds and it sparkled like the world's poshest disco ball. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she was banging the head of CBS.

As the show started, the Chenbot stood in the aisle, right in front of Bauer's. She turned our way and whispered, "Who do you like, Ollie?" We all nodded yes. "What do you think of April?" We all groaned. "Yeah, I hear you."

Sidebar: The set is tiny, I mean miniscule. I've been on sets for commercial shoots before, and this was much smaller than those. The aisle floor was scuffed up terribly (and plainly visible on camera), and the fake flowers looked like they were from the '80s and were covered in dust. Really CBS, can't you have a stagehand run a Swiffer-Duster over the set? But, I digress.

Once the show started, it was all a blur. A glorious, fun blur. When the edited footage was aired (this is a live show, remember), we were allowed to watch on monitors. It was fun to watch with other BB fans, everyone groaning and laughing together. When Julie was on air, we were directed to remain totally silent and watch Julie without fail. It was surprising to me how much Julie needed to be directed. I mean, she's done this show hundreds of times. Doesn't she have it down pat by now? Evidently not. But hey, my charge was to keep my ass still in a chair, so who am I to judge?

We had the collective pleasure of watching April, the resident skank, get kicked out of the house. It was so weird to hear her come out through the door behind us (you could hear a stagehand unlock the door about a minute prior). And, as directed by Eric, we clapped and cheered politely for her, because that's the good sports we are, doggonit. She was surprisingly pleasant in her on-air interview with Julie. Then she was ushered out of the room for the remainder of the show.

Once the show was over, we were instructed to stay put because Julie was going to interview April for the Early Show (to be aired the next morning). Well, all I have to say is that it's a shame that only a minute or so of that interview actually aired, because the real deal was extremely entertaining. It was a 10 minute interview and the delusional crap that came out of April was unbelievable. Literally we, as the studio audience, could barely contain our groans, laughs and WTF? facial expressions. Oh man, she was so full of herself that it was clearly evident that she had a Vaseline grasp on reality. All I can say is, poor Ollie.

Once that interview wrapped, we were free to go. And in a total "Get Shorty" moment, instead of shuttling us through the door we came in, they literally opened one entire side of the building for us to wander out. Surreal.

Then, it was off to dinner, where we had the extreme pleasure of hooking up with Ben (B-Side), Joe (J-Unit/Mokers), and Patti (brilliantmistake - who hiked a mile. In high-heeled boots. At night.) at El Coyote (no affilation with the Cincinnati restaurant, but just as tasty) for hours of laughter and stories galore. We had an awesome server who loved us because we ate and drank a lot, hated us because we wouldn't leave, and finally loved us once again because we tipped her generously for our staying waaaay beyond our welcome. At the end of the night, by which Crazy Aunt Karen and I were approached our 24th hour of being awake, Joe was nice enough to chaffeur us all back to our hotel. I was well past zombie by then. It wasn't pretty.

honeybunny, brilliantmistake, bauer’s sweetheart, Mokers, SpecialK

SpecialK, B-Side, HicksPub

SpecialK, B-Side, HicksPub, Flipit

The next morning, after breakfast with honeybunny, Crazy Aunt Karen and I started our journey back to the Tri-State. We even managed to stop by my aunt's house in Newport Beach for a quick lunch. Bonus! And the rest of our trip, again, was as smooth as can be...ending with my head hitting my pillow at 2:00 a.m. - 47 hours later. It was a whirlwind Thelma and Louise adventure that I'd recommend to anyone who has the opportunity to just get up and go for it.

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